


ran with the devil and left a trail of excuses

by tunny



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Gen, Kinda, Stream of Consciousness, hey nctc. you know i wouldve killed that part, if i cant flesh lucas out on stage ill do it on the page, literally everyone at me: shut up about lucas! shut up about lucas!, lucas has adhd btw, mildly graphic minor injuries, not really graphic violence more of graphic minor injuries, title from bling (confession of a king) by the killers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 20:53:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20513330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tunny/pseuds/tunny
Summary: “I gave it to him,” he repeats, louder this time, as if that will turn it into a lie.





	ran with the devil and left a trail of excuses

His fist hits the mirror, and the glass shatters. The glass shatters, and he knows he’s being selfish. He knows he needs to get his shit together and find some way to get himself together before Peter comes back to the room to get the last of his stuff. He doesn’t need Peter to see this- he doesn’t need anyone to see this, doesn’t need anyone to see he’s acting just like his dad. He doesn’t need Peter to see him at all. He must hate him- he has a reason to, definitely- 

It takes a while for him to realize that he’s been talking out loud to himself. “-my fault my fault my _fault my fault my fault-_” he rambles on, only vaguely aware of the tears pooling in his eyes. “I gave it to him-” Lucas stares down at his hands, as if only just now recognizing the shards of glass stuck in his skin. “I gave it to him,” he repeats, louder this time, as if that will turn it into a lie. He takes a step back and throws his head back, not even wincing when it hits the wall and he loses his balance, hands scrambling for purchase on the floor and being met with more shattered glass. “Fuck!” he exclaims, laughing at the pain. “Fuck!” he says again, his voice breaking out into a sob. “Fuck fuck fuck _fuck!_”

He bangs his head against the wall again, and he does it again, and again, and- shit. He’s losing it, isn’t he? “Sorry Mom!” he calls out, staring up at the ceiling, his vision blurry, and he’s suddenly so aware of everything that’s going on around him, and he can feel every bit and speck of glass in his hands and oh _shit_ it hurts but he thinks he deserves it and maybe he does because no one has ever _died_ because of his drugs before and it wasn’t just anyone it was _Jason._ It was his friend Jason, it was Jason he just did Romeo and Juliet with, it was Jason whose hat he stole while he was going on about how to properly use ketamine and GHB, it was Nadia’s twin Jason, it was Ivy’s unrequited love Jason, it was Matt’s rival Jason, it was Peter’s boyfriend Jason. 

Lucas knows he’s spiraling again. He knows because his vision has started to get even worse and his head hurts so bad and he can’t _move._ One more time, he hits his head against the wall, and he knows, god, he _knows_ that he’s making shit about him again but he can’t help it because he feels like it’s his fault that Jason died. Logically, he knows it isn’t, and he knows that Jason would’ve gotten the drugs somehow. 

He’s rocking back and forth, he registers, he’s rocking back and forth and it’s calming him down a little and _shit_ he didn’t take his meds this morning and that would explain why he was spiraling so bad.

Breathe. He needs to breathe. A deep breath in, a deep breath out, just like everyone is taught. Slowly, slowly, he stands up. Even through the cracked mirror, he can just make out his reflection. Bloodshot eyes. His nose is bleeding, he didn’t even notice that. Messy hair. Red cheeks. Nothing too out of the ordinary, especially for right now. Nothing too out of the ordinary until he looks down at his hands and remembers the glass. It’s not a smart move, but he tugs out the large pieces himself, bites back a yell, and tosses it in the trash can. “I should go to the nurse,” he says to his cracked reflection.

He doesn’t. Instead, he begins to clean up after himself. He holds a tissue up to stop the blood flow from his nose with one hand, and with the other starts to gather up the glass from the mirror. “I broke the mirror.” He’s still talking to himself. But he needs to, there’s no one else to talk to. 

He pulls the tissue away from his nose once he’s done getting the glass up. He’s sure there’s more glass stuck in his hand now, but he’ll go to the nurse eventually. For now, he gets another tissue, and presses it to the larger cuts left by the glass. “I’m so dumb,” he whispers. Any louder, and he’s sure his voice will break again. And he’s rocking back and forth on his heels a bit, blinking as he tries to keep himself tethered to reality. The door clicks, and opens, and he stands up straight and whirls around. Matt. 

“Lucas, have you seen Peter? I need to-” Matt’s been crying too, Lucas can tell by his voice. He doesn’t even need to look at him. “What did you _do?_”

“Peter is…” Lucas blinks, only partially aware that his rocking is getting faster as he tries to keep himself steady. “He’s talking to Father. And I-” He looks at the mirror, and then looks at Matt, “-am recreating the Great Breakdown of Sophomore Year.”

Matt shakes his head, and Lucas shakes his back. A beat. Both of them just stand there, looking at each other.

“You should go find Peter. I need to finish cleaning up.”

“Why’d you punch the mirror?”

They both know why. They both say nothing. They just stare, like staring at each other will fix what both of them have done. Finally, Matt leaves, and Lucas is struck with the thought that he probably should have told Matt that he was leaving for New York soon. He opens his mouth, like he wants to say something, and then closes it again.

When the nurse at the front office asks him what happened to his hands, he stays quiet for once.

**Author's Note:**

> u kno the drill. hmu on tumblr at wlwtunny


End file.
